Gayle HThe clock ticks to the 6pm mark. Your workday has been a long one as you started with an early call. You were able to finish the important items on your list for today. You are tired and ready for your transition to home life. You are looking forward to seeing your family, catching up on their days, maybe getting some exercise, eating a healthy meal and maybe even a few hours of your favorite show on Netflix.
Then you look around your office/virtual working environment. People are still heads down. You are still receiving emails, texts, what’s apps, pings. You wonder if anyone else realizes that it is 6 o’clock in the evening. You wonder if anyone else has a personal life to participate in. You wonder if they even want to! You wonder why you seem to be done with work while others are just chugging away.
Are you the crazy one or are they?
All those feelings of accomplishment for a job well done today, excitement for your exercise class, warm fuzzies for your family time, joy about a healthy dinner and comfortable decadence for a few brainless TV shows goes right out the window.
All you feel now is a tough case of the shouldas.
I should stay at work longer.
I should do a few more emails.
I should stay at my desk just in case someone needs me.
I should. I should. I should.
The shouldas are a disease that we’ve all had. Whether your symptoms are attributable to work, health, family obligations, parenting beliefs or any other facet of your life that you think ‘I really should do X/Y/Z’, the shouldas can have some very drastic consequences.
For clarity, I am not talking about things that you really SHOULD do in life – like eat, sleep, get the oil changed on the car or be nice to people. Those things you should definitely do!
I’m talking about the shoulds that happen because you are comparing yourself to other people, other people’s lives, other people’s goals or other people’s choices.
A bad case of the shouldas usually results in overworking, overstressing, overscheduling and overdoing. Overworking, overstressing, overscheduling and overdoing then result in mental and physical health deterioration, lack of confidence in your choices and skills, lack of self-fulfillment and unattainable goals.
Not good.
For example, in the case of the scenario I put forward above, what usually happens when you realize that you are done with your work and looking forward to some personal health and family time when you realize that everyone else is still working?
You continue working. You may not have any important items to complete, but you sit there answering emails, responding to texts/pings, and getting really pissed off and stressy that you will be unable to engage in the activities that you had wanted to.
Interestingly when asked why you are still working, I’m going to bet that your answer might be ‘because everyone else is! So I should’. I know this because I’ve asked my clients this question before (and myself!), and hands down the answer is always ‘because everyone else is, so I should to.’
You’ve got a case of the shouldas. Here are a few shoulda remedy suggestions:
First, be confident about who you are and what you need to be at your best.
I wrote about the connection between self-awareness and self-confidence in this blog because being self-aware is so freakin important to being self-confident in your actions. And this is where you start your healing path for the shouldas.
Truth: Some people work more quickly than others
Truth: Some people can focus on their work more than others
Truth: Some people feel that busy = important, or good, or angelic
Truth: Some people don’t have the same variables in their lives that you do
Truth: People are different!
I focus for dedicated periods of time. I schedule important tasks at times when I know I will be at my best to get them accomplished. My ability to be succinct and thoughtful deteriorates after 5pm. I need 9 hours of sleep to feel ready to bring my best to the next day.
Now Rj on the other hand? Very different working style! Rj focuses until he’s done with a project. Rj goes with his flow to prioritize where he wants to spend his time – what he’s feeling is what gets done.
Though after 32 years of cohabitating, the 5pm rule and 9 hours of sleep seem to be similar.
People are different! So if you are done with your work at 6pm, feel like you did a pretty good job, know that you need a good dose of exercise/family time/brainless TV to lower your stress and enhance your mood – stop working at 6pm. And recognize that the people who are still working may have started later than you that morning, taken an hour off at lunch to exercise, may not be done with their work yet, or don’t have other life variables to accommodate.
Know what you need to do to be your best. Let other people do what they need to do to be their best. And by doing so, you will find that your shouldas become what you SHOULD do for YOUR BEST, not SHOULD do to be LIKE EVERYONE ELSE.
Second, anchor to YOUR goals. And your goals only.
This past week I was part of a group of women who spent time after our exercise class talking to our trainer about anything – nutrition, mobility, goals, etc. One woman in the group asked how to get better at doing reverse lunges because she couldn’t get her knee all the way down to the floor.
Instead of moving through the exercise, breaking the exercise down, showing us how to do a perfect lunge, our trainer instead asked the question, “Do you like doing reverse lunges?”. She answered, “Nope. They hurt my knees.” Trainer, “Then why do you want to do more reverse lunges?” Woman, “Because everyone else is doing them and they look like they are doing them so much better than I am. I should be doing them better.”
Notice the shoulda.
Trainer, “Let me ask you this – what are your overall exercise goals?”. Woman, “I have set goals related to deadlifting more weight this year. I love weight lifting, so I want to focus on lifting more.” Trainer, “Well, you don’t need reverse lunges for that goal.”
Just because other people may do things you don’t doesn’t mean you should do them if those activities do not support your overall goals.
A good place to start with this one is to get clear on your goals.
Example: Health goals – are you trying to lose weight or are you trying to ensure that you are physically and mentally healthy for longevity (even if you weight a few more pounds than you think you should).
Example: Career goals – are you working overtime because you are focused on getting a promotion or are you happy with your career situation at the moment and just want to bring your best self to work everyday (even if that means you don’t work as many hours as you think you should).
Those two examples are pretty universal for most of us. Notice the shouldas.
No, you shouldn’t exercise aggressively and eat foods that don’t make you happy if your goal is to be healthy and happy. Yes, exercise and healthy food is necessary, but an 80/20 approach may be your better path to hitting your goal.
No, you shouldn’t work late into the night to respond to emails if you need a good night sleep to be at your best during your ‘regular’ working hours.
Sure, other people maybe should exercise more and eat food that they don’t want to if they are trying to lose weight. Yes, other people maybe should work a few extra hours to complete a project if up for a big promotion. But if those goals are not your goals then those are not your shoulda actions.
Third, allow yourself to be human.
Why is this always the hardest action for us to take for ourselves!
Being human means we sometimes fail. Being human means we can’t do EVERYTHING (nor do we want to do everything). Being human means admitting what makes us happy and what doesn’t make us happy. Being human means we may work less, eat bagels, or take off a Friday afternoon just because it’s a gorgeous day outside.
Being human is really fun – we should try doing it more often and not telling ourselves all the reasons we should or shouldn’t do something we really want to do.
Instead we view ‘being human’ as less than, or inferior, or bad, or being a failure, or not being enough. I call that being ‘super human’, and frankly super humans only exist in Marvel comics in my mind.
It takes a really strong person to stand up for their own humanity, feel comfortable in their skills and choices, and compare themselves only to the goals that they set for themselves. So this whole ‘being human’ thing, in my mind, should be viewed as a superpower of sorts.
Nope, we shouldn’t aim to be super human, we should aim to be super at being human.
. . .
So stuff your shouldas in a bag and toss them out. The only shouldas you should have are the ones that should make YOU feel good.
Gayle H
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