Gayle HAs we cultivate ourselves into stronger, better and more powerful women, we need to be careful to protect ourselves from feelings that could choke our growth.
Fear, doubt, lack of confidence – all tough hurdles to jump. But I think there is one feeling that trumps them all.
Guilt.
I should be home with the kids.
I should be spending money on our bills and not on me.
I should cook more, clean more, garden more.
I should be better, stronger, quicker – you name it, I should be it more than I am.
As hard as we try to be our best in every area of our lives, something inside us nags at us telling us we should be better, different, more.
Where does guilt come from? Why do we feel guilty so often? Who defines the ‘shoulds’ in our lives; the very source of our guilt?
Once we understand the seed of guilt, and what we do to water and feed our guilt, the sooner we can stop the growth of our guilt.
Many would believe that guilt was planted in us when we were children, and our culture and beliefs watered and feed our guilt as we grew. Basic ideals around money, gender roles and responsibilities, the interpretation of ‘hard work’, and the definition of success.
And for all intents and purposes, this is true. As we grew from babies to teens to young professionals, we responded appropriately to family, religious and society messaging about right vs. wrong, good vs. bad, and success vs. failure.
But each time our learnings hit an antagonistic intersection with our desires, we felt guilt.
Now, as adults, it is time to realize that it is healthy to have a certain measure of desire and it is unhealthy to harbor the anxiety and stress that comes with feeling guilty.
We have grown mature enough now to have our own ideas and ideals. To understand what makes us happy and feeds our souls. And most of all, that true life success is measured against your own personal values and goals, not those of others.
You can no longer blame others for your guilt – guilt is self induced. You must look squarely at yourself, take responsibility for your feelings, look at them objectively, rid yourself of the junk that weighs you down, and act on the things that make you feel stronger.
Easier said than done. Unfortunately, a simple seven-day guilt detox is not available through Amazon Prime Membership. Nope, guilt reframing is more like a lifelong commitment to doing things differently.
And here’s how you start:
Find Your Strength.
Remember that thing that got you through your first day of high school? How about that thing that you leaned on to get your first job? Your first promotion? Start your first company? Yes, that something special that you call on when you face something new; and whether you nail it or learn from it doesn’t matter, what matters is that you DO it.
That thing is your strength. Otherwise known in many circles as our Big Girl Pants, strength is what we pull on when we courageously look guilt in the eyes and say, “thanks for the advice, but I think I’ll do it my way this time.”
Trust Yourself and Others.
We have learned a lot during the growth process from babyhood to adulthood. Killing people is bad. Being nice to people is good.
And getting what you want out of your time on this earth, regardless of whether or not others agree with your decisions, is called truly living.
Trust that you know what you want. Trust that things will work out if you allow your heart to take the driver’s seat. Trust that you know the right answers to how you want to live your life.
Trust that others will support you. Trust that your family will love you. Trust that those nay-sayers are just people who don’t understand.
Because every time you lose trust, you give into guilt.
Be Good To Yourself. We self-induce a lot of heavy thoughts on ourselves every day. We don’t eat healthy enough. We don’t exercise enough. We weigh too much. We aren’t responsive, kind, thoughtful, you name it – if we think we aren’t as good as we could be, we remind ourselves of that point every single hour of every single day.
We are pretty tough on ourselves.
How is it that you can be, do and say good things to other people, but when it comes to yourself, you just pile on the bad stuff until you fully believe it all to be true?
Try being good to yourself more often. Focus on what you did well that day before you give yourself a swift kick in the pants for what you feel didn’t go as well.
Self-induce some good stuff on yourself for a change.
The next time you start to feel guilty about something you have done, or more likely didn’t do, stop. Breathe. Find your strength. Trust Yourself. Be good to yourself.
Pull up that weed of guilt and allow yourself to grow.
[L1]Do people really measure “worthiness” with guilt? Perhaps it should say:
Now, as adults, it is time to realize that is healthy to have a certain measure of desire and it is unhealthy to harbor the anxiety and stress that comes with guilt.
Gayle H
